The Unhealing Scar

                          

With a budding romance and a heavy academic schedule, I had no time for illnesses-especially not one which dragged me till the hospital bed. However, my life changed with illness. I can't do things like others.

I was lost and I didn't know what I felt. A great fire burned within me but no one stopped to warm themselves at it. The passers-by only saw a wisp of smoke. At first, only my family and my close friends were told about the diagnosis because I didn't want to be the Sick Girl. Since then, I have become more open about sharing my story because it may end up educating people about a disease they didn't know know about or maybe unknowingly going through. It may encourage someone to speak about their own struggles and help in finding joy and beauty in places that others see pain and sufferings.

Moreover, school should be a second home for the students but in my case while my friends were learning so many things, I was lying on the hospital bed with heavy heart. The hospital became my second home. The nurses were my friends as well as my caretakers. The doctors were my parents as well as my physicians. I felt like all those dreams in which I believed flew away just like the wind and I have no reason to live. But I stayed quiet and kept it for myself. I watched my entire world falling apart but all I could do was to stare blankly knowing that I have to live with those pain forever. 

Well, I remember laughing and playing around with friends and feeling like I couldn't ask for anything more but the moment I step in hospital, I had quite forgotten all of that. I felt like the entire universe is a guest house with everyday new arrival of sorrows, depression and anxiety due to the different diagnosis, surgery and medications yet I managed to live a life. 

They welcomed me as a special guest and showered me with immense love, happiness, dreams and hopes but by the time I realize, those were all the temporary ones. The happiness started vanishing and sorrows filling up my life. Those dreams started getting shattered and I walked everyday in body with broken spirit who unintentionally broke other people's spirit in the hope of fixing my own. 

I became void and I didn't die but I didn't live. I felt that I was living a dead life as pain weighs on my heart. I cried in dismay and series of tears rushed down my cheeks. Well, I was never like that before in life. I found myself as one of the silent sufferers lying down on the bed with a great deal of sadness and pain crying alone in despair.

God! Why are you punishing me so much? 

I questioned to myself but it was left unanswered.

Oh, I am very weary, though tears no longer flow, my eyes are tired of weeping, my heart is sick of woe.

Nevertheless, the doctors patted on my back and said that it will be gone. My family were overjoyed when they first heard of the cure but I wasn't especially. It was just like I would go back to living with them, just coming to the doctor every month again so that the sickness could be managed. It started with the knock on the door, and the doctor peering in at me. "There's a woman here who wants to see you", he said, looking unsure. I knew it would be mom because she's been away from me for a long period of time. She was the only one I would never told about my hopes and dreams, and the only one who would ever have a chance of convincing me.

"You are dying," she said, looking at me sternly.

"Your point?" I asked, returning the look with a glare.

"You can't afford to die," she said since the doctor has told her about the cure.

"Please don't die......" tears were brought to her eyes.

"I will think about it." I said, looking at her as she turned away and walked back out the door. I knew she didn't plan to shed tears during the confrontation. It had ruined it, she knew and she hadn't bothered trying to convince me anymore.

In fact, I am not someone to like, nor somebody to look up to. All I am is a vessel and that's all I ever can be in this life, nothing I say or do strives from failure. I could feel the bones in my foot grinding against one another with every step, sending flashes of fire throughout my lower body, but I refused to scream or cry out. Happiness was never gifted for me. My life is completely different compared to those earthly creatures. People often said that life always offer us a second chance and it is called tomorrow but I have no hope to live so this tomorrow saddens me. I smile wide and under it, hide the pain that I barely manage to endure.My happiness brightens up the room while inside, my heart drowns to the ground. 

Hospital life, like all of life, is filled with both pain and joy in equal measures. There are so many moments to share, so much of life that has been lived in those hospital rooms. A part of me started loving sadness like how a part of you love happiness because I knew happiness aren't made for me. So, some things in life are ours to choose, while other things choose us. I never chose to live this life and I didn't plan to move my life down to a totally different path. Yet that seems to be exactly what happened. However, even when there's no hope, even when nothing I do showed any sign of recovery, I kept moving ahead and living the life anyway.