Self-Note

 

Dear beloved me, it's been long and you may feel that I have neglected you and I won't lie, it has been long since I put you first.

I am sorry for hurting you while I tried to love others. I have been so afraid of losing everyone I have ever loved that now, I am on the verge of losing you. In fact, I think, I may have lost you. Sometimes, I feel like I am a stranger in this body, like my soul has become so drained by being someone that I am not. 

I never wanted to fall in love, they always say the right things and then leave. But that's not what people who love you do; they don't lead you and then leave when your heart is filled with emptiness and you are stranded in your thoughts. 

Dear me, I know I haven't healed, I have just tried to stop thinking about it. Its heartbreaking how you make room for others in your heart only to realize that you don't even cross their mind, let alone being in their heart. Sometimes I know you think that you are hard to love, that you are just so damaged to try and be whole again. It took me so much to realize that loving someone should not hurt, that everyone's love looks different. 

You don't need to be loved the same way by everyone; some will love you aloud, some will love you silently through their prayers. I have been wronging you by giving you away every time I meet someone and think that they may stay, only to be left with nothing but pieces of you.

I am sorry for not loving you enough. I am sorry for trying to fix others while you were too broken to breathe. I am sorry for loving people who didn't choose me while you needed me to love you first. It's just that sometimes we give pieces of ourselves to other people thinking that they may take better care of us than we do for ourselves. 

Dear me, you deserve the world and so I'm going to give it to you. I am going to love you the way I wish they did. I am going to choose you all the time, before anyone else. I am going to be soft on you for the mistakes you make when others hurt you. 

Dear me, i am sorry for shattering you while I tried to make others feel whole. I am sorry for not loving you enough when you were shrouded by insecurities. You have been patient even in your lows, you have been trying, and sometimes trying is enough.

 Thank you for not giving up on me for the days that were too dark on you. Thank you for sheltering me with all your pieces and nourishing me when you were starving to be understood. This time, I will love you better.